But it’s like they say, when you know, you know that you can’t stand a bitch. Katie also says she’s open to all sorts of child-related futures: marrying someone with kids, having a kid, never having kids. I’m sorry. Huh. But for some reason that we absolutely will not address, Katie is convinced that she’s going to go through this entire season alone. After a few more arrivals and a few confused looks at the box and Jellicle Connor, the night is ready to begin! She’s not going to settle. Behold! They head inside to present Katie with the wisdom of the dosh khaleen, the wise council of crones that will guide Katie through this journey. Bring a stopwatch so you know how long the cocktail parties are supposed to be”? We’ve got fashion masks and cool chains to attach our masks to our sunglasses and

We

Are

HORNY. Katie’s parents divorced when she was a baby; she grew up very poor and moved around a lot. She’s going to say the words “sex positive” more than the cool RA that always has a bag of condoms outside her door. The “these are my favorite dinosaurs and let me tell you a fun fact about them” energy this has!! She’s a Horny Girl. Don’t tell a woman you just met to “rub one out.” Justin says he’s going to stroke and stroke and stroke and then pulls out a paintbrush. Tre is the “My parents have been married for one year longer than I’ve been alive and I’m basing my entire personality around that” guy. GOD DAMN IT. Dude. Katie is horny for the box. She’s also incredibly horny for a grown man in a cat costume and has put on cat ears and cat paws and is cuddling with Connor Bustopher Jones. Katie didn’t rehearse her toast but tells everyone that she’s nervous and a little scared, too. Katie! Andrew S. The season is taking place at the Hyatt Regency Tamaya Resort and Spa. Cheers! As they head to the resort for their mandatory two-week quarantine, one of them reminds us that the Hyatt Regency is the perfect place to fall in love, which I don’t see on its Tripadvisor page. Kaitlyn also asks the immortal question: “Has anyone ever opened a bottle of champagne and not gone ‘woo!’?”

Cheers to horniness! I’ll never like you,” presumably like two hours after meeting him. Fuck.” I would love if this season ended with Katie presiding over a polyamorous relationship with three to seven men. Bad bitches! Just the thought of hugging your friend good-bye after hanging out at the park is electric. Greg asks if he can kiss Katie and they make out aggressively. Tags: Tre pops out of a pickup-truck bed that’s full of ball-pit balls. Good-bye … I wanna say Brundin? She says she couldn’t stop thinking about him and he goes in for the kiss. The power of contractually obligated female friendship! Wow. Did they just tell her, “There’s no host. She wants you to know she’s SEX POSITIVE and says things like, “No dry bushes here!” while drop-kicking a tumbleweed and mimes humping when she sees a hot guy. She’s not a regular girl. Your piercing intensity and center part will stay with me. There is only box. YES!!! The mere idea of another human’s mouth feels illicit. Katie finally sits down with the box and there is no time. It’s what she deserves. Then Connor B. WHAT?! Christian gives her a genie lamp and says they can rub one out. Then it’s time for the first limo and out steps Thomas, who is VERY TALL and very hot. There is no space. In addition to the horny energy, a real absurd Dadaist vibe would be welcome. is really into Bridgerton. Justin loves to paint and he can’t wait to show Katie what else his hands can do. James arrives in a giant gift box and says he’s not coming out until later in the cocktail party, and until he emerges from his gift-wrapped prison, he does confessionals AS THE BOX. You’re basically saying, “Wouldn’t it be weird if I was some kind of predator? Katie came prepared with three different kinds of duct tape and a tripod, just in case. Aaron gets in Cody’s face and is like, “I don’t like you. Katie asks them what are the top two things they wish they’d known and they both say, “Don’t rule anyone out on night one.” They probably edited out where Kaitlyn said, “Don’t fuck Nick Viall. It’s 90 degrees out, everyone is sweating, and did everyone always look this good? Stay in the box the whole night, dude. While Katie is in the ball pit with Tre, the first-impression rose arrives and everyone starts freaking out. Live together in your boxes. His main energy is “corny.” Gabriel does a tantric-breathing exercise with Katie and she gives him a little wave as he walks into the house and she keeps checking out his butt. She had trouble making friends and she’s never really had a boyfriend who felt like a partner. Don’t worry about those, that’s just my dirty underwear!” If deanie_babies’ van is the fantasy, this is the reality. To step up his game, Jeff decides to take Katie to the RV and he won’t stop making “jokes” about how you shouldn’t go to a stranger’s van and he wouldn’t give her alcohol and take her to the bedroom. Then the box arrives. It’s honestly more trouble than it’s worth.”

Kaitlyn and Tayshia keep reminding Katie that one of these men could be her fiancé and they’re just as scared as she is. There’s Karl, the motivational speaker. Connor B. There are honestly still bitches on the internet who are like, “Wearing masks is how Ra’s al Ghul is going to be able to infiltrate our Au Bon Pains.” No one has time for that. As a nation — nay, as a people — we are HORNY. Brendan is a Canadian former hockey player, aspiring firefighter. Terms & Privacy Notice
By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Notice and to receive email correspondence from us. Embrace the boxes. Girlbosses! Queens! Propose from the box. Next, she sits down with Michael, who shows her a picture of his dog and they commiserate about leaving their pets at home. At least Quartney with a Q does a fun li’l sexy poem where every line starts with a Q word. But because she was So Sex Positive and So Confident on Matt James’s truly curséd season, we never got to learn anything about Katie, so allow this narratorless, hostless opening montage of her roaming unaccompanied around the Hyatt Regency Tamaya Resort and Spa to tell you everything you need to know about Katie. They speak in unison for the first of what will be many times. plays the ukulele in the bathtub. It’s time for the first-impression rose and Katie gives it to Greg and Connor is so sad that he’s not the Jellicle Choice. Katie is incredibly aroused. Mike is a former athlete virgin and why, dear God, would you go down this route again!? The ur-Girl Gang! Listen, if you’re gonna do a flirty genie thing, just say something about granting her wishes or her wish is your command. He’s the one Katie air-humps as he walks away. She’s ready for love. I’m in trouble. Okay. Katie sits down with Greg and they really hit it off. The box somehow does a cheers. ALSO BAD. Stay in the box the whole season. We’re still very much in the middle of a global pandemic and honestly, at this point, people who just aren’t on board with the whole thing are truly baffling. decides he’s going to try to fool Katie with a British accent and bail on it at the last possible second. Bachelor Nation Newsletter
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Terms of Service apply. Can you imagine? Watch that space. And Greg is a simulation AI created by the Bumble algorithm. ROCKS ROCK!!!!!!!! Maybe they told Katie that she would also have to work the camera, do some postproduction editing, and run the official Bachelorette Twitter account, too. It’s time for the rose cerem— oh, wait! No no no. Katie says, “This is a long time to spend away from your fur baby” and Michael goes, “Oh yeah, and I also have a 4-year-old son.” He has a whole-ass child but was like, “I miss my dog lol.” This season is wild. I guess they’re not replacing anyone and they’ve been here all along. What is with these men’s opening gimmick being “this is a lie”? It’s after Memorial Day and everyone is about to get libidinous. Don’t worry, Katie, the Elders are doing a reverse Thelma & Louise through the desert to come save you. arrives dressed as a cat and this would be a good time to inform you that the B stands for Bustopher Jones. FUCK. Then some idiot named Cody brings out a blow-up doll. Andrew S. She takes his ears off and he looks up at her with his whiskers and they aggressively make out. Katie says, “Do they all look like that? Box is box box box. That’s … that’s not a thing. Katie says she has a real sense of humor, but the things she’s laughing at are really giving me “skit night at the frat house.” Because the sexual puns are coming, no pun intended. You don’t have to laugh at this shit! Every box is box. At one point, someone gives Tayshia and Kaitlyn popcorn, and if they didn’t host a minute of this thing but gave breathless, giddy commentary from a window for the entire season, I’d be very happy. Former Bachelorettes and cheerful hotties Tayshia Adams and Kaitlyn Bristowe are here to fill the role of — hang on, there was a name on the tip of my tongue, but it has simply evaporated from my brain. Because it really seems like they did. Ha ha ha! Tre, Michael A., Thomas, Garrett, Connor B., Andrew S., Box, Justin, Quartney, Karl, Mike P., John, Kyle, Andrew, Josh, Conor C., Brendan, David, Aaron, Christian, Hunter, and Cody all get roses. Andrew S. But first, let’s meet some of the contesticles. It’s a refreshing change from a show that insists that getting married and having children is the only valid family structure. The Bachelorette
Week One

Season 17

Episode 1

Editor’s Rating

3 stars

***

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Photo: Courtesy of ABC

The summer of 2021 is a very different time than the end of 2020 or even the beginning of 2021. Katie gives one final cheers before the season preview shows us Blake’s square-headed ass arriving. Night is falling in New Mexico, and while Katie is staring off into the middle distance, the Elders are approaching like jaguars in the night. No one is doing that anymore. Horny Bach Summer. So it’s only appropriate that for this satyric season, we have Katie, America’s Horniest Bachelorette. Give Katie a matching box. Everyone is screaming and everyone is crying! AWFUL. Live in the box. Puns are one of the lowest forms of humor and these are barely puns. and Thomas have good early convos with Katie, but the real standout is A POCKET FULL OF ROCKS AND CRYSTALS!!!! After each guy, Katie gives Kaitlyn and Tayshia a little thumbs up or shrug like she’s in an ’80s shopping montage. You gotta do it on your own. Have you heard? Woo!! What the fuck? Become the boxes. Oh, don’t get me wrong. The entire rose ceremony, they keep cutting to some man in the front row with very ’90s hair and then he’s eliminated without a word. He gives her a macaroni necklace his 3-year-old niece made and tells her “it’s not real gold.” The Bumble AI needs some time to calibrate. Rose-ceremony time. This is weird! Suddenly, the person sitting across from you on the train is the most mysterious, alluring human being you’ve ever contemplated. Raise your children in a smaller box next to your boxes. Everything is box. Michael tells her that he’s giving her a family heirloom and I thought it was going to turn into some Pulp Fiction reference but no, he’s just a liar and he got the watch at the airport.