Let’s Get Grafting

The islanders immediately break up into couples, as is their right. Not to be upstaged, Jake and Liberty share their first kiss and Jake immediately farts in victory. I’ll call you Mr. Toby and Kaz take the vibrator chairs for a spin, and Jake and Liberty solidify themselves as the bimbo couple by talking about MILFs. So, emphasis on the semi. At the recoupling, Chloe decides to couple up with Aaron because he and his skincare make her feel the most comfortable. • Jake, the water engineer who did critical damage to a pipe in the show’s intro, has a foot fetish. • Aaron is gorgeous and has never cheated, propelling him to the top of the rankings immediately. Is 50,000 pounds really enough for all this psychological torture and debasement? • Finally there’s Brad, whose piercing blue eyes get him first prize despite his mediocre personality. The next day, Chuggs and Liam put the moves on every woman in the villa. Finally learning from The Art of War, are we, ladies? As is sacred, the women arrive first, chanting customary “woo”s and nearly falling off their 5-inch stilettos. Nevertheless, the couples enter the villa hand-in-hand. No one steps forward for him, which is a crime, but he chooses Faye. At the recoupling, there are the predictable matches — Kaz/Toby, Jake/Liberty, Sharon/Aaron — while Chloe and Faye are the wildcards. The vibe here? Kaz takes the reins, teaching him how to ask a girl out (hint: don’t say “if you want to”) and asking to come watch his matches. She says men feel emasculated by her “savage” personality, which I’m hoping means we get an epic screaming session between her and Unnamed Muscled Man. The islanders have a peaceful rest, which features Jake getting up multiple times to “look at the birds,” which is code for “watch Toby suck Kaz’s toe again.” The girls make a tactical error this morning by going to work out, leaving Chloe to flirt with every man in sight. Faye, I know you wanted a man to rip you a new asshole, but not like this, please not like this. Chuggs says he wants a best friend, but Sharon crushes those dreams by telling him about her makeup transfer with Aaron. Back to the books, ladies! This is diversity without inclusion: Love Island is making its casting more diverse without picking partners who also value that. She seems to like Aaron the most, and is impressed with his dreams to go into skincare. Email

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Terms of Service apply. Aaron pulls Sharon for a chat, and they confess that they both like each other’s independence. It’s unheard of, but Kaz and Faye swallow their pride and assure Laura they’re ready to move on. Can’t be described as anything but eeh. He’s the kind of teacher that middle-school girls would find on social media and stalk relentlessly. Her voice is somehow both posh and Valley Girl, but the boys are into it: Toby calls a board meeting, and they all agree to go on the date together so as to endure the least amount of wrath from the girls. She works at a chicken restaurant and likes “meat … a lot of meat.” Typical Love Island fare, but she seems pretty sweet. In an actual shock, Shannon is left single and is sent home on the second night! 2 hammers a pipe, and Unidentified Bikini Woman No. Faye, in her own words, goes to Cougarville and salivates over 21-year-old Liam’s height. Boohoo is in her DMs as we speak. Notably, Sharon makes out with Aaron and really enjoys it. This makes the fourth time a Black woman has not been picked in the first coupling. Please don’t let his students watch this. Kaz and Toby kiss for the first time (!) and Brad kisses Chloe for the girl he’s most attracted to and Faye for the least. • Finally there’s Shannon, our first Scot who seemingly became a model out of nowhere. He picks Faye, leaving Toby to join Hugo on the subs bench. It’s date time! • Sharon, the policy wonk who clearly has been studying her Love Island history. There’s a slow-motion dancing scene, and I begin to wonder if there’s actual music playing or if they’re all just silently twerking. Jake seems to find his Paige, as Liberty steps forward for him and they couple up. God, this show is so racist! This is your man, Liberty? Once again, I say: this is your man, Liberty? It’s beer pong night, and the dares are flowing. No one seems particularly passionate about their partner, except Shannon, who is somehow not attracted to Aaron; she must be blinded by all the boob highlighter going on. In the intro package, Unnamed Muscled Man No. Possibility of getting a Boohoo brand deal? 5 writes “Brexit/EU” on a whiteboard, in an easter egg referring to one of the show’s greatest moments. But the best and worst moment of the night comes when Toby is dared to suck Kaz’s toe, and Jake decides to record the moment on his production-issued cell phone to add to his island spank bank. Terms & Privacy Notice
By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Notice and to receive email correspondence from us. Don’t worry Hugo! Are you blind? There’s not much change from the show’s pre-pandemic years: narrator Iain explains contestants must undergo a two-week quarantine before they start swapping saliva, and production has graced them with an updated villa complete with eggplant portraits and Rabbit vibrator-shaped chairs. The brand-new babes include:

• Liberty. Check Out These Sexy Singles

As soon as I hear the first notes of a royalty-free techno song, so much serotonin hits my brain I nearly black out. I can barely understand his thick accent, but that doesn’t seem to bother the women, and Liberty, Faye and Sharon step forward for him. But now on to the important stuff: welcoming the Love Island UK Class of 2021! • Hugo, PE instructor and love of my life, is next. Faye gives into her primal desires and picks Liam, leaving Chloe to choose between Chuggs, Hugo, and Brad. Faye and Brad make out, Aaron and Shannon twerk to the 10 seconds of “Up” the licensing team could secure, Sharon sucks Hugo’s ear and subsequently smudges red lipstick over everything in a 3-foot radius. 4 near the daybeds. She’s looking out for the next Skincare by Hyram, proving herself to be intelligent once again. I want her to win this show. Then we get to the meat of the show: the first coupling. Don’t they want a man who can run a kick-ass game of kickball and then get them a coffee from the faculty lounge? No. Hammond! Faye is chosen to go with newbie Liam, and Sharon goes with new guy Chuggs, which apparently is short for “cuddles and hugs” (something he will not be getting during his time in the villa). Spoon her in bed, or let her crack on with a 21-year-old Calvin Klein model from Cardiff! But we’re back, and this year Vulture is recapping every horny second for posterity. Suddenly, in a terrible production decision, Chloe, the new islander, sends everyone a voice memo and invites the boys to a Bachelor-style group date. • Faye, our season’s first (self-admitted) boob job, because the island needs at least one set of fake boobs in its ecosystem at all times. Who will hump them first? Finally, we get some of our first drama of the season when Faye says Brad made her look like a dick and said he clearly needed this so his knob can grow “half an inch.” Get him, Faye! Chloe, in a bid to gain the British public’s trust, picks Hugo in a friendship couple. From the subs bench, Hugo couples up with Sharon, leaving Toby and Kaz to get together. They make out, and all of Sharon’s foundation is smudged onto Aaron’s face, making it look like he snogged a powdered donut. Tags: She barely got enough screen time for Boohoo to slide in! Could a new girl be coming in soon? Let’s me(a)t the boys! Liberty really likes him for some reason that might have to do with his 12 layers of abs, while Jake isn’t sure if he wants to “rip her clothes off.” C’mon, Jake! We’re starting off strong here. Clearly the women are looking for League One or higher and don’t step forward, and Toby is left to steal Faye away. Chloe gets a text that lets her know she has 24 hours to couple up with the boy of her dreams, leaving one of the girls single and vulnerable, even though right now most of them remain spiritually single. • Kaz, our first Essex girl! • Toby is a semi-pro footballer who plays for a team called Hashtag United, which, on first Google Search, was started by a YouTuber in 2016 and is in the eighth tier of English football. B’Nana, no! I instantly feel at home. Hoping a petite school nurse from Manchester comes in and boosts Hugo’s spirits. Toby, I’m pleasantly surprised. Meanwhile, Jake seems to be really liking the fact that both he and Liberty want to go on a boat, and Brad seems to be starting to hate Faye. 9/10. Not like that!” Electing not to add that catchphrase to the Love Island dictionary. He lives with his dog and his nana, whom I will from now on be referring to as B’Nana. Promiscuous challenge time! Sharon and Hugo decide they’re mutually not into each other, which — Sharon, are you blind? VULTURE NEWSLETTER
Keep up with all the drama of your favorite shows! Kaz, keep being perfect. All hope is not lost, however — season six’s Finn was open about his fetish and now he’s happily in love. Faye, who has forgotten Hugo’s name, puts on a gallon of self-tanner in an effort to impress Liam; meanwhile, he tells Chloe that it’s difficult to find size 13 shoes because he is literally Tall Girl. After working up a sweat, Liberty pulls Jake for a chat and he trips down the stairs, proving that they’re all already Luann de Lesseps in Mexico levels of drunk. That would be a huge shock, if it hadn’t happened the previous four seasons! He said that “the more [he] sees her, the less [he’s] attracted to her.” Oof, that hurts, especially coming from a man I can barely understand half the time. Guess we really should have seen this coming. Production blows major coin on a couple of pillows near the water, and Toby calls it the most “romantic” date he’s ever been on. And kissed 10 girls in one night? Time for them to pretend they didn’t just say their type was blonde hair and blue eyes! Today, it’s the boys’ turn to work out, so the ladies ogle them while making high-pitched, bird-like noises in a complex mating ritual. I have high hopes for her — right now I’m getting much-needed Maura energy. She wants a man who can “rip [her] a new arsehole. Host Laura Whitmore slow-mo walks in, wearing hair clips that read “my type on paper,” proving that we’ve reached the post-modern, self-referential era of Love Island. Obviously this tactic does not work, and the ladies consult The Art of War and make fun of Chloe’s voice to feel better. Lizzo plays as the islanders prance about in shiny red outfits and devil horns. Toby and Kaz get a date! Chloe reveals she once got a sex toy stuck inside of her and Brad says his nana once walked in on him having sex. But Brad and Chuggs aren’t out just yet: new girl Rachel comes in and will pick one of them to save. Seemingly not, but Hugo makes a move on Faye in a bid to stay in the villa, to which she responds dispassionately. She’s a fashion blogger and wants a guy to rail her, which is giving me Carrie Bradshaw meets The Only Way is Essex. Chuggs and Hugo claim to know each other from rugby, but it seems like Liam and Jake should have recognized each other from the Foot Fetish Anonymous Facebook group. The women can sense this, and both Faye and Kaz step forward for him. Like most of this show, it’s something about secrets and kissing. Love Island U.K. Really? Don’t lead her on like this! Liam then reveals to the boys that he also has a foot fetish, causing Jake to scream so loudly the Majorcan locals have cause for concern. Week One (Episodes 1-5)

Season 7

Episode 1

Editor’s Rating

3 stars

***

Photo: ITV

Our long, international Love Island nightmare is over. Breaking all conventions, Aaron picks Shannon, a girl who did not step forward! It’s time for a getting-ready montage, and the girlies are layering on that bronzer! It’s been a year and a half of sadly watching Hulu reruns, dreaming of happier times and repeating those four little words to yourself: “I got a text!” (and if you’re Ovie: “message!”). Hugo discloses that he once had sex in the middle of the road? Things are looking bleak for Hugo, who has been pied off by every woman here. Apparently: before she leaves, Laura hints that the girls will have to graft especially hard to impress their new boos. Time for some sexy dares to get the islanders as horny as possible before we film them in bed together!