That would be like if in The Notebook, Ryan Gosling wrote “psyche!” at the bottom of all his letters! Well, Katie and Greg try their hand at fish-tossing and Greg manages to break every single twinkle light suspended above the “market.” Katie also eats an oyster that’s been sitting in the sun and gags. They head out into the woods, dressed in all white, and are forced to cuddle with each other, and this man won’t stop bringing up his mom. Honestly! Just let her go. Give me breaking up with the guy who is good but boring for something more exciting. Need I go on? Think about it. That just might be the centripetal force as they launch fish and footballs at each other but they are FEELING. Give me the running down the hall because you just can’t let him go. Blake decides to take the opportunity to tell Katie that his family would love her but he’s not in love yet. Oh, buddy. is getting a one-on-one and Brendan is losing it. Why is he still here? Either because they thought the drama of the season would be more interesting than the love story being told at its center, or there was some postseason drama between the lead and their number one pick that had to be addressed at the After the Final Rose special. She’s a fun, sex-positive woman who allegedly has a career! Katie walks him out and positively weeps about how he deserves love and connection and she’s so happy they met. Let’s do this shit. Greg and Katie’s date is a Potemkin version of Seattle. Now, I just need this season to deliver. “Let’s put the virgin on the date that requires subtle navigation of body language and sexual chemistry.” They’re greeted by the lady who lives in the woods. Also, we need a deeper investigation of Mike P.’s virginity, because he keeps saying that his pledge to wait is there to “protect him” and he’d be out there “humping everything” if he wasn’t staying a virgin. Katie realizes what she has to do and says if he’s feeling like this, they might not have enough time to get where she would be comfortable meeting his family. Give me a pair of quirky best friends who just show up to give advice. But not one of the good Homegoods. The note says, “If you change your mind, I’ll be waiting … ” with a lil’ smiley face. When I saw that man pull that out of his pocket … it’s motherfucking rom-com time. This is good mom conversation on a date. Brendan lays out his case, that if she thinks about how far they’ve come with only group dates and cocktail parties, think about what they could do if they were able to spend the whole day together. Remember this for later. Get trapped in an elevator. And after his father died, he hasn’t let his guard down with anyone. It’s a game show. The Bachelorette
Week Seven

Season 17

Episode 7

Editor’s Rating

3 stars

***

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Photo: Craig Sjodin/ABC

Meet Katie! Blake is immediately like, “How can I make the most disgusting, graphic piece of art that ABC will have to black out in its entirety? I had Andrew going all the way to the top three and it seems like Katie did too! The pressure is on for the night portion of the date. Andrew recreates their one-on-one and tells her that he’s falling for her. Blake, what the fuck? What if she made a mistake! Katie screams “THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF OUR JOURNEY!” This is wild, unhinged rom-com energy and all Greg has to do is not fuck it up. The images must be burned lest they summon juicy, muscular asses and formal stick figures with no heads. Tags: You know not what’s in store for you. During the evening portion of the date, Katie asks Greg if he’s going to be able to make it through the rest of this process because he looks scared and confused most of the time. Again, Blake called it when he said, “Mike P. No cocktail party. “I’m being demonsterized!!”

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Terms of Service apply. Knowing the fantasy suite is so far away! Blake and Justin get the final two roses of the week. Greg reveals that he was pretty short and skinny so he was bullied and carries a lot of insecurity with him at all times. down and tells him she’s not just feeling it. He tells her that he’s excited to have his family meet the woman he’s falling in love with and Katie says she feels this gravity pulling them together. This is my mission. Without an international trip or a couple fraught two-on-ones, it’s hard to gauge the passage of time. If you’re Patrick Dempsey and the woman you love decided to be with the man her father wants her to marry and it’s 19th-century Kansas? It’s time to get ruthless and send the virgins home. A few fruit stands and some whole fish is supposed to represent Pike’s Place Market? Like, a city Homegoods. Katie sits down with Michael A. It’s time for the next date card to arrive and Justin, Andrew, Blake, Michael A., and Brendan are going to find out there’s an art to love. Katie opens the door and is positively shocked to see a man whose name she’s like 86 percent sure of. Give me the kisses in the rain. Go for it. Katie is the ultimate Cool Girl and I’m starting to see the appeal. Just let everything go. or Brendan. Can anyone tell us literally one fact about him? Andrew’s crying in the limo as Katie breaks down on the ground to her producers. Katie finally sits Mike P. It’s time for Mike P.’s one-on-one date. FUCK. Terms & Privacy Notice
By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Notice and to receive email correspondence from us. It’s time for the group date rose and Katie gives each man a compliment sandwich and gives the rose to Michael A. She asks him if even a part of him would want to come back. Also, we’re going to mention Pike’s Place Market without mentioning the famous Real World Seattle opening credits where a fish is tossed only to reveal the words REAL WORLD SEATTLE written on it? Justin paints her a big picture of flowers and butterflies that looks like it would be in the clearance section of a Homegoods. This is a WILD thing to give to someone in the real world. Greg gets the rose and they go outside and make out in a manufactured rain storm. Katie loves that she can feel herself around Justin, and he says, “I love that about us.” Justin moves fast. First the contesticles stare at some very vulvic flower paintings, and then they’re tasked with creating some art that represents their love for Katie. Once you’re starting to say, “I have so much to offer,” it’s no longer a relationship, it’s a job interview, and no one wants to fuck Applicant #426. Please. He heads over to Katie’s suite and puts on his finest chapstick. Play “This Will Be” by Miss Natalie Cole non-stop until our ears bleed. Katie says that the only thing they have to do is let love guide them and everything else will fall into place. is by a book and Katie is not by a book.” I need just one of these guys to get an aphorism all the way correct by the end of the season. Like, I get it, you do want a partner that has some of the qualities you admire in your parents, but you don’t fucking whisper it into her ear while you’re spooning. Come back. Why didn’t he get a one-on-one? Plus, Michelle isn’t avail until, like, late-July.”  

So now, just when she thought she’d never find love … 30 hot guys found her! It’s time for the rose ceremony. Michael A. There’s no serving dishes or accent lamps, only argan oil and shower curtains. Until that first date card arrives. Andrew starts his time with Katie by saying that “every athlete dies twice,” like that’s a chill, normal thing to say, and tells her that if she wanted him to, he’d stop playing. I kind of hate this. “She had a vibrator, and people remembered her name! Stand up and object at a wedding. Let’s get into it. Greg is heading into his second one-on-one with Katie and has to carefully moderate all his emotions so as not to upset Mike P. Katie is the most chill girl in the actual world and says that whatever they plan to do together, her job is to encourage him and figure it out. Katie asks him about the first rose she gave him and talks about how he still amazes her and she wants to meet his mom. Everyone please move on. This week is huge because it’s the last week before hometowns, and we’re here already? (Is it just me or was the editing this episode … a little inelegant?) Brendan says goodbye to his dear friend Blake, and Blake has to break the news to the rest of the guys the next morning. Don’t give the note if you’re not willing to follow through! This is what I do. He has so much to offer. Andrew tells her that he can’t do that. Two guys haven’t had a one-on-one date yet so … they’re going home at some point soon, but they’re holding out hope. No one wins. Katie sprints down the hallway and screams Andrew’s name and jumps into his arms when she finds him. That’s all we can hope for! The contesticles are at the resort, and they’re reeling from the last eliminations. I’m WEEPING. With the most powerful cinematic language in the history of humankind: the motherfucking rom-com. and says that his life and his family include James and Laura, and she’s going to help with the juice boxes, and the life she pictures with James is a dream for her. HARD CUT to Brendan dragging a suitcase down the hall. “Gentleman, this is the final rose tonight. “I was hoping to pass the torch to you! They sit together and go over how difficult the rose ceremony was and Katie tells him she wasn’t exactly confident in her decision and Andrew slips her a note. But now … now … it feels like the show has the opportunity to tell a fun, sweet love story, and how are they doing that shit? You can and should hump a bunch of people, but you probably shouldn’t ascribe to a belief system that tells you there’s something scary out there when it comes to sex and intimacy and leads you to believe that without it, you’d be a sex-crazed monster. Oh, you sweet children. Andrew… come back. Give it all to me. EACH. Well … there might be a bit more planning required. The next morning, Andrew doesn’t make it any easier when she shows up at her door to… make sure she smiles when he leaves this time? The other thing about rom-coms? COMING AT SOME POINT ON THE SACRED TIMELINE:

THE BACHELORETTE

“They call me Cuddle Queen!” 

***

Something I’ve thought in my head and said on podcasts is that the Bachelor Cinematic Universe hasn’t been able to tell a cute, sweet love story in a long time. What a fucking twist! Sensual equals graphic tempera paint p-in-v.” Andrew paints a pretty cute picture of someone eating sushi, since he and Katie are foodies together. Honestly, we all knew the writing was on the wall before this nonsense even started. Romance! He’s getting a smooch or some reassurance if it kills him. Is he best friends with Blake but we didn’t hear about that on camera at all? Wait… what the fuck?!?!? I might need it a little longer!” 

Katie hasn’t had the time to find love … until The Bachelor Cinematic Universe intervened. They have absolutely no sense of boundaries. Run through the airport. It’s time for the group date! Something in marketing, we guess! Hi. OTHER. If you can’t use one of the 12 designated “Falling for you” phrases, don’t say anything at all. sculpts a thicc ass. Brendan immediately spirals. Katie gets the closure she needs from Andrew’s kiss, and she’s one step closer to finding her husband. In no particular order: Rachel Lindsay being painted as an unfeeling Black woman at her “After the Final Rose”; Becca having to address Garrett liking anti-immigrant posts on Instagram; Pilot Pete running through a slew of women during and after his finale; Arie’s unedited break-up with Becca; a car spokesperson and LinkedIn personality telling us that as long as racism hasn’t reached the heart it’s not that bad. And Katie, just a quick reminder: Don’t fuck Nick Viall.”  

But sometimes finding the one can get a little bit difficult. “I’m Greg!” “I’m Justin!” “I’m Andrew!” “I’m Brendan, and I’m still here for some reason!” 

Sometimes, all it takes is a little help from her good girlfriends and a resort in the New Mexico desert for a girl to finally fall in love. Justin paints a few flowers, since that’s as far as he got in the YouTube painting tutorial, and then some Blair Witch–esque stick figures.