Sure! “That AA stuff is for show. Here’s how Glamma tells it: When James got sick, he and Love were already on the rocks. I feel like he’s losing sight of the part where he and Love could ruin each other’s lives the minute they don’t have spousal immunity. Before Love can respond to this, she gets a message from the babysitter: Glamma came and picked up Henry. I guess he plans to murder the murderer? YES! But also, he is very distracted by how much he wants her. Glamma rolls up to watch Henry VERY late, super disheveled and drunk. Sherry is, naturally, the queen. Sherry basks in her successful gala before getting to the point with Love; the point Love missed because she didn’t read the rest of the article Sherry sent her: “Hot wife is a term for women in open marriages.” Sherry! While Joe, uh, runs errands, Sherry sees Love, telling her that she is “so HOT” and sending her a blog post to help her “tap into Joe’s fantasies.” But Love has other fantasies in mind: Theo. Cut to Glamma, wasted, with Henry on her lap in her car, picking up some food in a drive-thru from someone who should probably call child services but instead is going to take a cool $300 to give a lighter to this shitfaced woman who assures her, “He’s not a baby, he’s the reincarnation of my son, Forty!” Glamma took Henry, gasoline, and the lighter to the vineyard and TORCHED IT. But there’s no way that will last. And he is onto Joe. Glamma calls about coming over to babysit Henry during the gala, but Love tells her not to bother; she already got a sitter. Glamma leaves Joe with a warning: Love knows no loyalty. I HAVE BEEN SAYING THIS!! We get it, Joe loves saving people and flirting with adults by cooing over children reading hardcover classics. Her now ex-husband got her “second act” vineyard out of SPITE. Joe and Marienne are colleagues at the library where he, Ryan, dropped the kid off, but okay! “I did everything I was supposed to do,” she tells Love. She is as basic as Beck and not half as interesting as Love. At the gala, Love is dressed like Alice in Wonderland, but Marienne is ORIGINAL who loves WHIMSY so she goes as the red rose itself. I am shocked that Joe doesn’t play scandalized and say, like, I’m married I would NEVER betray my wife! Back at the library, Marienne is having a meltdown because Juliet told Ryan that she and Joe spent the day together — wow, okay, her kid’s a snitch, not cool — and Ryan threatens to use it in the case. There’s drugs in his smoothies.” (To this, I wonder: Wouldn’t the court mandate regular drug testing in a custody case that hinged on the sobriety of both formerly-addicted parents?) Alas, Ryan is un-dosable! As I’ve mentioned before, I do not believe You is the kind of show where Henry would actually be killed, so there isn’t so much suspense here, though I wondered if Glamma would make it out alive. Which was definitely not supposed to happen. Then Ryan rolls in. The best part of this entire sequence is Cary’s kid dealer, who donates all his proceeds to a mental health organization — “Oh, and I only take Bitcoin.” Joe proceeds to spike all of Ryan’s protein powder with Adderall for the morning and Oxy for bedtime, plus he swaps out his alarm clock batteries with near-dead sets from Henry’s toys. So he and Marienne and Henry and Juliet can all be a family? I feel so vindicated!! He’s decided that he is in love with Marienne and, therefore, will be unbothered by Love’s technically-sanctioned flirtation with Theo. Theo bops over to say he’s super sorry, but he couldn’t find out what his dad has on her. Just a recapper’s intuition, baby! Glamma gets into the car with Joe, probably viciously hungover. I am delighted to learn that the library is having a swanky gala as a fundraiser, thrown by Sherry and conveniently catered by Love in a last-minute rescue situation, one that will require all our characters to get dolled up and collide. I wonder if she will tell Joe that Love is having sex with Theo, but she does me one better: “How much do you know about Love’s first husband, James?” YES, HELL YES! But he just stands there. I’ve lost sight of his endgame here — extricate himself from his marriage with Love in such a way that nobody gets hurt, emotionally or blunt-force traumatically? She screams that her daughter is a LITTLE BITCH and sets her own plan in motion. Over in Joeland, we are treated to a very boring day where Marienne has Juliet and Juliet’s glasses break, so they play family and get the glasses repaired together. She and Henry return home unscathed. He assures her that they can do ANYTHING together; they will figure it out as a team! But then Joe can’t stop himself from doing some light snooping, finding naked photos of Marianne in one of Ryan’s dopey books, and then jerking off to said photos in Ryan’s house. Joe is all I cannot believe this loophole is falling into my lap. Over at Matthew’s place, Elise, a young coder with facial recognition software in her back pocket, is convinced to assist Matthew in his efforts to track down Natalie’s killer. He has no proof of an affair. Marienne tells Joe that lying is bad for her recovery and she can only be in an honest relationship. The vision: Mess with Ryan’s routine and trigger a relapse. It’s just that her parents are divorcing and her family is in the public eye, and “That is a major trigger for me,” she says, attempting to reach this teen by speaking like a parody of a Zoomer. “This is what happens when you marry the wrong man.” She and Love argue, so Glamma leaves. She starts to cry, and naturally, Theo comes around to helping her out even though he clearly finds the whole thing a little sketchy. Terms & Privacy Notice
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Terms of Service apply. You all know how I feel about the way this show is dealing with domestic abuse and the handling thereof, so I won’t dwell on it here; I will simply re-up the general feeling, which is: ugh. “Just a mother’s intuition.” I KNEW IT, I FUCKIN’ KNEW IT!!! I fully said “barf” aloud when Marienne said that her take on fairy tales is “screw princesses.” Like, wow, so original!!! You
We’re All Mad Here
Greta Gerwig’s Amy March famously told Laurie that she believes we have some control over who we love — “It isn’t just something that happens to a person.” Laurie and the poets and I (for what is a recap if not poetry??) disagree, but Joe is such an Amy. Joe stakes out Ryan at an Addicts Anonymous meeting and sizes up his whole day: Leaving Juliet with his mom so he can work out (I mean, yeah, people are allowed to have childcare to tend to their health!) and generally sticking to a rigid routine, which Joe decides means Ryan’s sobriety is hanging by a THREAD. Unsurprisingly, Cary has a hookup for Adderall and other such substances. He already has access to all the security camera footage in Madre Linda. Love gets all sniffly again, sobs a little about how she used to have her shit together, and then, of course, she and Theo are having sex in her kitchen. Does the show take advantage of this setup to do the most interesting, thrilling stuff? Sherry and Cary are polyamorous, and they “would love to take our relationship to a new level.” See, I KNEW Cary wanted to make out with Joe during their little CPR session in the woods! After he went into remission, he asked for a divorce, “And the next thing you know, he was dead.” Glamma doesn’t have any proof of this, mind you. Joe then heads to the bakery, where Love shows him the blog post and tells him about Sherry and Cary’s invitation. Which is a little odd to me. Joe thinks he is “watching his own execution,” but Love and Marienne get along just fine. (I love that his reaction to her come-on is to wonder, “Did she kill someone else? Love tells her that she can sleep there tonight and that Joe will drive her to rehab in the morning, but she can never see Love or Henry again. What a sizzling take from a modern woman. Glamma wails that Love will lose EVERYTHING one day too, and see how she likes it!! Joe decides to ignore Marienne’s explicit request to stay out of her complicated entanglement with her ex. Meanwhile, Sherry sends Love that “Hack Your Sex Life” post, which Love partially reads — she gets far enough into it to decide to dress up in a short little black number and play sexy housewife, which isn’t really Joe’s fantasy so much as his nightmare. Joe thinks his plot to send Ryan off on a no good, very bad day is working — Ryan tells his BFF that he’s “calling in sick so we can get blessed” — and, high on this perceived success, goes home to lavish his wife with gifts and apologies. I wish Joe would take the L, but we know that’s not his style. They leave the bakery arm-in-arm, right under the path of the security camera, whose feed is playing on Matthew’s computer screen. Eh, not really — the gala ends up being the decoy thing while the real explosions, literally, happen elsewhere. Tags: But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Everyone needs to spend less time heavily breathing outside their marriage and a lot more time talking to a lawyer. She lures him into the bakery basement and then asks him to find out what his dad has on her and Joe. Glamma is drunk, hurt, and furious. She tells Joe that Ryan will be at the gala because Channel 3 made a “sizable donation.” This is his way of showing her he can hurt her even at work. Joe is shocked, but Dante reports that Ryan has — twist! And is she trying to distract me?”) Because Joe is all spent from his session with Marienne’s photo earlier, he can’t get hard for his wife, who is mortified and now, according to Joe, another problem for him to fix. The next day, Love is freaking out over burnt almonds — or maybe something else is bothering her??!? Joe is going to focus on Love so that he can be with Marienne. — never actually been sober. Love confesses that she thought Joe wasn’t attracted to her anymore. Elise finds the whole thing very yikes and I wonder what Matthew would do with this information if he found it since none of this footage would be admissible in court. VULTURE NEWSLETTER
Keep up with all the drama of your favorite shows! Joe realizes the obvious: He’s been so worried about Love hurting Marienne he forgot that Love could just up and murder him.